It's Been 15 Years This Month, Mum...

Fifteen years since I picked up a phone call from you.
It feels like yesterday, yet when I look at pictures or see myself in the mirror,
I  know it's been so very long.
A lifetime seems to have come and gone
without you in it -
how could that have happened? How could we have been so
brazen to have walked away from you.

 

It's been fifteen years since I heard the words "I love you more".
And I can't tell you how much I muss you and always will, my little mommy.
Until I see you again, my one and only dearest...

July

Ya know this has been a month - July has.
Instead of promise, it has been full of failure, I think.
First Gizmo passed, after almost two decades of being a constant in my life - quietly watching history play out for me.
Then one week later I lose Max, my Albino bunny - so friendly with his 'whisker kisses' when I would feed him orange leaves off the tree his hutch sat under. Another week passed and his bunk mate 99, a soft, dessert looking, sensitive fellow died as well. Was it from the heat too or from missing Max too much?
The ducks were given away - because they kept picking on the chickens. But arguably that was in June.
Josh get into an accident on Zach's birthday - with us in the car, because some drunken fool runs a stop sign on private property.
I am brushing more and more fur off of Sig...
Meanwhile Jack's MRI scans are 'lost' and now we find out there are three nodules instead of only one.
There are more questions than answers - piling up like dirt at a construction site.
I am not sleeping a whole lot - just resting, which is good.
But I am more tired than I was 5 years ago.
Where is energy?
Zach has lost too much weight now - he is emaciated looking because he is afraid to eat - it will bring on the pain. The pain his doctor says is in his head, but his shrink says isn't.
What a bunch of bull#*%@!
Doctors belive they are mini gods and that everything that will be discovered has been. Well, that is not the truth at all and it just shows their humanness.
A doctor killed my mom.
And countless doctors are responsible daily for other lives; negative and positive.
Be informed - never take another person's word completely.
We are all simply people - some just have more knowledge and experience in different areas. but we are all fallible and make mistakes and can continue to learn and grow.
So, back to this month - the month of July, when my son was born 30 years ago. He was beautiful and another blessing in my life. I already had a firstborn son, so now I had two and I felt so grounded and mature at 21. I was home with my children - they made me grow up and made me feel like I was important, needed and actually supposed to be their mom.
When in reality I was young, kinda stupid and still doing a lot of growing up. But at least I had these small souls to help me; shape me and make me give of myself more than I ever would have if they had  been absent from my life.
Thank you. And love you - all of you for that.
So, yea July sucked this year - but not all of it - there were bright, shining moments filled with Zach and Josh; two people I really adore as much as they'll let me.
In my heart I love them more.

I say to myself, more than anyone.

One person can change the world.
Many have tried and many have succeeded.
You have to keep trying.
Oftentimes we get caught up in our lamentations and simply want to lie in them awhile and lament. We get pushed around by pain, by humans hurting us, by not taking control of our own selves.
That is o.k. for a time, but then we need to get out there and try again.
With or without those that would cheer for you.
If you know it is right, then you must do it, no matter what anyone else thinks or says.
Oftentimes our journey is individual, not as a team endeavor. Many of our achievements are not noticed or applauded.
But that does not make them of any less consequence.
So, walk the paths you have chosen - we must, and suffer the consequences of those choices as well. But these are choices - made with or without thought. Made rashly, in the heat of the moment or made with careful consideration.
Either way, one person can make a difference for not only themselves but for countless others.
So, we must not only choose wisely, but we must keep on trying and enduring.
For what is life, if not a gift to succeed and fail, fail and succeed?
It was given freely - will we make the best of it? Make the most of it?
It's over too fast to wallow in self-destructive behavior or self-pity.
It's like a gift that can be used over and over again. It never gets old or outdated.
Always waiting for its' owner to do something new with it.
Never judging us for leaving it on a shelf for a time and then remembering to come back to it and use it again.
One life, one person, one success - it all interconnects to something magnificent.

Happy October!

This font is called 'Georgia' - in a nod to you, Zachy. I just finished Directing a play for a local community theatre. The play was "Get Smart"- based on the 1960's sitcom. My son, Zach played the lead - Maxwell Smart (agent 86). He was terrific! It started out to be an extremely enjoyable experience. The actors were so fun - they constantly made me laugh out loud!
I miss those early days of freedom and exploration.
It all turned negative though, in the end - when the artistic director didn't take my creative and artistic views seriously. She was greedy and wanted to 'play by the rules' instead of allowing the production to flow. She rampaged at me and threatened me. She did to me what was done to her earllier by another person in charge of her endeavor. Are we destined to imitate what we are shown - without any thought to the defeating outcome? It's a shame when we have to be stiffled because of our talents and beliefs.
After all, we have to be true to ourselves.
We have to be true to our vision.
We have to create because we feel the need, the drive to create.
It's out of our control - we are the vehicles through which the creative process flows and spills out onto those surrounding us.
Hopefully, it is always a positive process.
Hopefully it makes someone smile. Or think. Or inspire.
And be thankful.
That's all I can ask from any of my pieces of art - whether they be one of my poems, my drawings, my calmly or even funkily decorated home, my directing or other form of expression in theatre (hair, makeup or costume design), and finally through my sons. They are grown now and I pray that others will see the shining face of God through their efforts.
Those are the only things that really matter.
Take care, Sho ^_^